4 Week Positive Parenting Devotional

Week 4: Learning Your Child’s Love Language

Over the past 4 weeks, we have learned that “Positive Parenting” requires intentional planning, grace and flexibility as our family’s needs and dynamics change. It is also important to celebrate your child’s unique makeup and discover the special ways that your child feels loved.

Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages for Children” has been an eye opening look into what I can do or say to connect on a deeper level with my girls. The book helps you to discover your child’s love language – and how to speak it – so you can build a solid foundation for your child to trust you and meet their emotional needs. Knowing your child’s love language even helps you to discipline more effectively. Gary Chapman has also a written book that helps you to understand your spouse better, and a healthy marriage also benefits your kids!

“We love each other because he loved us first.”  1 John 4:19 (NLT)

The 5 love languages include: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch and Gifts.

Today I’m going to break down the 5 love languages, give you examples of how to use each language, include some fun kid date ideas and tie the love languages into encouraging scriptures. If you would like to take the quiz online to figure out what your child’s love language is, you can find it HERE.

1. Words of Affirmation

“So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NLT)

Children with this love language need others to use encouraging and genuine words to let them know that they matter, that they can accomplish what they set their mind to and that are doing a good job. It may be a matter of acknowledging what a helpful and loving sister/brother they are, calling out their leadership qualities or telling them how much you love their smile.

Here are 10 great examples of how to AFFIRM your kids:

  1. You are terrific!
  2. All of your problems have solutions. (As a parent: listen attentively first, hear their heart, ask questions and then offer some solutions that they could try. Make sure its a conversation so that you are not talking at your child, but rather with your child.)
  3. You did such a great job!
  4. I checked your homework and it looks great! Can you teach me about ____?
  5. You are so fun to hang out with.
  6. Wow! You did it!, I’m so proud of you.
  7. You can do it! Don’t give up!
  8. How did you know how to do that? You are brilliant!
  9. Every day is a fresh start.
  10. You are such a great friend, you matter so much to me and to your friends!

Fun Date Ideas: Go and buy a kids joke book and tell jokes to each other, host your own mini olympics (include lots of cheering and affirmation), throw a talent show, go on a nature walk or go fishing and enjoy conversation, coffee (hot chocolate) date, ask your child to teach you something! When the opportunity arises, make sure your compliments are genuine and well-timed.

2. Quality Time

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT

Children with this love language need others to spend uninterrupted time with them doing something they enjoy. Make sure to put your phone away, make eye contact, and genuinely enjoy each others company!

Here are 10 great examples of how to spend QUALITY TIME with your kids:

  1. Let’s go to a movie, you choose!
  2. Can you help me cook dinner tonight?
  3. Let’s bake some cookies!
  4. Can you make something really cool with me? (lego building, craft, clay)
  5. Let’s watch a show together. (Consider choosing a series to work through together.)
  6. How about we go to your favourite restaurant?
  7. Lets play a game together!
  8. Let’s spend the day doing whatever you want to do!
  9. It’s windy today, how about we go and fly a kite?
  10. Let’s go and throw the ball in the backyard!  

Fun date ideas: Head to a restaurant and colour together as you wait for your meal (check out the restaurants in your city where they offer “kids eat free” nights to save some money), pack a picnic and head to your favourite park, tour your local fire station, visit the toy or candy store, have a family board game night (they choose the game), camp at home (indoors or out).

“Children are not a distraction from the most important work, they are the most important work.” C.S. Lewis

3. Acts of Service

“The greatest among you must be a servant. But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Matthew 23: 11-12 NLT

Children with this love language want to make a difference! They also love it when others do nice things just for them.

Here are 10 great examples of how to perform ACTS OF SERVICE with and for your kids:

  1. Can I help you with your project?
  2. I made your favourite meal for supper!
  3. I’ll help you clean your room.
  4. We can pick up your friend on the way to the movie.
  5. I’ll make sure I’m right on time to pick you up.
  6. Let’s go and pick up some garbage to do our part and take care of the environment.
  7. Can I help you with your math homework?
  8. I’ll make the drinks for your lemonade stand on Saturday.
  9. I’ll help you make cookies for your bake sale.
  10. I’ll drive you to school today!

Fun date ideas: Volunteer together (walk dogs at the local shelter, visit the elderly, shovel someone’s driveway or rake leaves), pick up garbage together for earth day, plant or work in the garden together, help your child run a lemonade stand for a good cause (take part in supporting the Stollery for “lemonade stand day”)

4. Physical Touch

“When Jesus saw what was happening, he was angry with his disciples. He said to them, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them.” Mark 10:14-16 (NLT)

Children with this love language like to receive hugs, kisses and enjoy doing active things together.

Here are 10 great examples of how to use PHYSICAL TOUCH with your kids:

  1. Can I give you a hug?
  2. Let’s cuddle on the couch while we watch a movie.
  3. Give me a high five!
  4. Can mom have a kiss?
  5. Tag! You’re it!
  6. Let’s wrestle.  
  7. I’ll race you!
  8. Can I scratch or tickle your back?
  9. Let’s have a dance party in the kitchen! Show me your best moves.
  10. Come sit close to me and we’ll read together.

Fun date ideas: have a race on the playground or create an obstacle course, take a martial arts/ pottery/ dance class together, run through the field and fly a kite together, have the ultimate pillow fight or nerf gun war, enjoy a spa day together.

5. Gifts

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17 New International Version (NIV)

Children with this love language feel good when someone gives them a special present or surprise. Knowing that you were thinking about them and took the time to make or give them something means so much! Also, the gift of your time can be included in this category.  

Here are 10 great examples of how to make GIFT GIVING meaningful with your kids:

  1. I am so excited about the special birthday present we got for you!
  2. Let’s make your christmas list.
  3. I’ve got a surprise for you!
  4. You’ve earned a special reward!
  5. You can invite your friends.
  6. Check under your bed for a special present!
  7. What would you like for your birthday? Let’s look through the toy catalogue for some ideas!
  8. I can’t wait to give you your present!
  9. I’ve prepared a scavenger hunt for you! There will be a special surprise at the end!
  10. I’m giving you $5 to spend on whatever you want at the dollar store!

Fun date ideas: Visit the dollar store or favourite crafting store and give your child $5-10 to spend however they want, treat your child to an ice cream cone and have them pick their favourite flavour, create a scavenger hunt, wrap a gift with many layers and create a greater sense of anticipation as they work to open it, give a “just because” gift to your child, bring home a bouquet of flowers for your little one!

Determining Your Child’s Love Language by AGE:

  • Under 5: It’s too young to know what your child’s preferred love language is, so at this stage work on using all 5 love languages regularly. Take note of how your child responds. All children desire to be loved in all 5 ways but as they grow older they will develop more preference.
  • 5-8: You will have to use some educated guesswork to determine your child’s love language at this age. A great idea is to have them draw you a picture or tell you the ways they feel loved or notice other moms/dads loving their kids. Try to intentionally try the 5 different styles over the course of a few weeks and take note of your child’s reaction. Depending on your child’s attention span and time of day you may only get a few answers, or a lot!
  • 9-12: Children at this age are better able to identify and express feelings. On The Love Languages site, you can find a “Mystery Game” HERE to play with your child. Make sure to include a  fun reward at the end!
  • Teen: I’d encourage you to ask your teen to take “The Love Language Profile for Teenagers” as it is designed to give you a thorough analysis of your teenager’s emotional communication  preference. “It will single out their primary love language, what it means, and how you can use it to better understand them during this stage of their life. Invite them to take the assessment and share their results with you. Not only will you show them that you care, but that you are also striving to be a better parent.” (quoted from the Love Languages site)

I hope you enjoyed this mini 4 week Positive Parenting Devotional series! It has been fun digging deeper into the strategies and methods that help to create emotional wellness and strong bonds with your kids. I’d love for you to check out Weeks 1- 3 here if you haven’t had the chance:

Week 1: Simple Strategies that Create a Strong Bond and Happy Kids

Week 2: The Power of our Words

Week 3: Establishing Routines

Praying for you to gain greater insight into your child’s unique needs and for your home to be covered in grace and love as you parent.